Give thanks you are single. A friend of mine once got engaged to a man who wasn't right for her. I took her out for champagne, admired her very pretty ring, and asked her how she felt. She shrugged "I was at the gym today, and I looked down the row of cardio machines at all the women there not wearing engagement rings or wedding bands" she said. "My first thought was, They're so lucky. They still have everything before them" Is it any surprise that this wedding never happened?
Falling in love is sublime, and making the commitment can be profoundly satisfying. But even the best relationships requires sacrifice- and being in a rotten one can suck all the sweetness out of life. While you may envy happily linked-up friends, you can probably think of just as many friends in merely good-enough or even lousy relationships. You, on the other hand still have the chance for a divine match.
If you build it, he will come. Stop trying to make men like you. You can't do it. Either they will or they won't. Instead spend your time making you like you. I actually made a list of things I want to accomplish in my life, changes that mattered to me...working towards these goals-and even achieving some-made me more confident and engaged in my life and the world. And who knows, maybe that did make me more attractive to men. Probably not. But at least I wasn't wasting my energy getting blow-outs and reading books about how maybe he just wasn't that in to me. But hey, if your goals in life are straighter hair and a better understanding of the self-help book, then by all means get thee to a salon and Barnes & Noble. No judgements! Do what you love!
Make peace with your cat-lady scenario. Instead of the tear-jerking, house-dress-and-cats tragedy, I played it more for laughs and applause. Maybe I'll move to Paris. Maybe my novel will become a best-seller. Maybe I'll go work for the World Food Programme and help end hunger ... Of course, I also knew that chances were slim that any of these possibilities would come to pass.
Be scientific. Yeah, yeah, love is magical, it's a mystery of fate. Whatever. I don't buy it. It's biology. Its statistics. And odds are overwhelmingly in your favor. Basically, if marriage were a deadly disease, your chances of catching it would be terrifying. For every wedding, just think about how many people fall in love (and think about how many people fall in love at other people's weddings). Maybe this year isn't your year, but trust me, if a walk down the aisle is what you want, your number is coming up.
Embrace uncertainty. Life is baffling. You have no idea how things are going to turn out, and really, that's half the fun of being alive. To this end, don't draw up game plans or an age at which you will marry or bear your first child. Don't make a list of criteria for your future husband. Love is often about the ineffable. You don't have any idea whom you might love or who might love you. Stop being such a control freak.
The importance of being earnest. If you find yourself continually sabotaging relationships, consider that perhaps you've got some commitment issues. Get therapy if you feel they're standing in your way."
Say yes. If you really want to meet someone, say yes to every offer of a setup and accept all invitations for a first date (unless the guy scares you). RSVP yes to parties. Forget about your "type". A type is a fetish, and fetishes have a way of closing down options. If your on the fence about a guy, kiss him. See how it goes. You might be surprised. At the same time, know when to say no: no married men, men with girlfriends, men with boyfriends, violent men, men with unresolved substance abuse problems. They will not change, your love cannot save them and they will drag you down with them.
Karma is a boomerang. Be happy for your friends when they get married or have a baby. Actually, not just happy- joyous. If you don't really feel it, fake it until you make it. Don't tell them how you don't believe in marriage. Don't tell them the planet is over-populated. Buy them a place setting, a little pink onesie, a plant for their housewarming. Give these things with love. Why should you expend so much energy trying to feel happy about something that fills you with panic that everyone is leaving you behind? Because you're a kind, loving person. And because love is not a zero-sum game. And because people remember when you are happy for them. And then they set you up with their hot cousin. When my friends Katie and Joe got married, I was genuinely thrilled for both of them. I never had to fake it for even a second. I swear. Even when an older guy dumped me for the fourth time at their wedding. Nearly a year later, they set me up on a blind date with one of Joe's coworkers. He wasn't my type. I married him.
Although not paralyzing, I have my own cat-lady scenario, only mine is Grey Gardens specific...
No comments:
Post a Comment